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Turns out the real side effect of public health bureaucracy might be... death.

Turns out the real side effect of public health bureaucracy might be... death.

Author: By Tomas Yoko
Date: 2025-04-28

You wake up. You do your stretches. You drink your smoothie. Then your heart says, "Nah, I'm done." Boom-heart attack at 28. Welcome to the Age of Cardiac Roulette. And what's behind it? According to Dr. Evan Levine, a man who presumably sleeps with a defibrillator under his pillow, it's not bad luck, genetics, or that third Red Bull. No, it's a pandemic-era policy nobody read, quietly restricting access to certain anti-inflammatory meds. Less inflammation control = more clotting = young people keeling over at Whole Foods. Turns out the real side effect of public health bureaucracy might be... death.

But let's not linger-Donald Trump is making trade deals again. Yes, him. And no, this isn't a deleted scene from a dystopian Netflix show. He's apparently minutes away from finalizing a "great" trade deal with Britain. Which means British people might soon be legally obligated to accept chicken that's been bleached more than a Hollywood smile. In return, America gets... what? Royal souvenirs and digestive biscuits? Somewhere, Boris Johnson is weeping into his monocle.

Meanwhile, RFK Jr. is on a detox crusade, claiming five household toxins may be triggering autism: aluminum, fluoride, food dyes, GMOs, and vaccines. Basically, if you've ever eaten, drunk, or bathed, you're doomed. He promises to end the "epidemic." How? With science? With law? With a giant dreamcatcher over Washington? He hasn't said. But rest assured, he's got the vibe of a man who once whispered secrets to his toaster.

Across the pond, Europe's suddenly remembered that Russia still exists. Defence budgets are exploding like fireworks at a dictator's birthday party. Everyone's arming up, investing in tanks, drones, and enough ammo to make Call of Duty look like a water balloon fight. It's not just about NATO anymore-it's about hedge funds eyeing missile manufacturers. Yes, war is bad, but have you seen those Q1 profits?

Ukraine, meanwhile, continues to hold its own-but only because the West is essentially its sugar daddy. Billions in weapons, gear, and cash. It's like crowdfunding a revolution on Patreon. You subscribe, you get updates, maybe a cool patch. Meanwhile, Russia grinds on, and Europe's gas bill doubles.

And while Rome reorganizes, the Catholic Church is still reeling from the legacy of Pope Francis-now the late Pope Francis-a man who shattered conventions, confused conservatives, and possibly made the Holy See's press office cry on a daily basis. The first Pope in history to be trending for liberalism, climate concerns, and suspiciously socialist vibes. Let the sainthood debates begin.

Back in Brexitland, Macron has dropped his demands in a post-Brexit fish fight. A victory for the UK? Maybe. Or maybe France just decided fish weren't worth another cross-Channel hissy fit. Either way, British defence firms are rubbing their hands-because if there's one thing they've learned, it's that fish equals funding.

And finally, just in case Earth wasn't enough, Trump has set his spray-tanned sights on Canada. Rumours swirl that he wants to make it the 51st state. Why? Because Alaska is lonely, and the current Canadian PM doesn't have enough personality for meme culture. Arctic tensions rise. Polar bears look nervous. And WWIII might kick off over syrup, snowmobiles, and the last bottle of maple bourbon.

That's the issue. Good night, and may your arteries be unclogged.