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Through my eyes

Through my eyes

Author: Kasia Yoko
Date: 2017-05-12

My son Dominic's 21st birthday was a huge milestone for me. As of last week both my sons are now adults and my plans to move to a remote Buddhist temple, in Bhutan or Nepal or Bangladesh, are that much closer to becoming a reality.

On the one hand I am slightly sad that my children somehow cannot be called "my children" anymore, because they are not children, and to be honest I can't see myself hanging on to those nostalgic memories of 'the good old days'.

On the other handOh my word, my heart is breaking and I want to run and hug him and tell him that I do not think I am strong enough for this drastic separation, this void of a vessel to empty my motherly adorations upon.

So yes! My son's right of passage allows me enormous freedom, I am in a way free. Legally, I no longer need to be the financial provider for both my boys and that is pretty exciting, it does not free me in any way financially but I can use it when I have to and that is good enough for me.

So while celebrating my son Dominic's birthday in Cape Town last weekend, I asked him what gift he wanted from me; and his reply was very profound. He said, "I really want you to let me go now mom. Cut that umbilical cord and just let me be a man"

That was the hardest reality test I got in a long time, because I was just not ready to let go, or even pretend that I can. Its easier said than done but I do want to set this cute little schnoekie free from my molly-coddling behaviours. So even though I assured him that I would try my best, I still do not know how to do it.

The thing is; I love him with everything I've got and I just do not know how to stop. I have not found a switch that can turn off the emotion of motherly love. The constant worrying and thinking about his needs and wants and the sleepless nights, thinking whether he is safe and warm and fed and

So on the night I returned from Cape Town, I sat down and made a conscience decision to move on and let my son be free of my motherly concerns. And while contemplating how exactly I'm going to do that. I came up with the only answer I could.

I'm moving to a Buddhist monetary somewhere deep in the Himalayas, where no one can find me and from where I cannot run away very easily and I am going to shave my head, put on the orange robes and denounce my earthly attachments. My sons included.

I swear, this is the only way I know how to let go. So while I am not packing my bags just yetI am waiting for some divine intervention to help me find the switch to let my children go, fly, and be adults. Any advice from the public would be much appreciated.