Whatshot
Make your marriage a success
Make your marriage a success
So whether you're a blushing bride or forty years down the road, how can you make your marriage work? The answer is to look at what effective couples do and apply their secrets to your relationship.
Successful Married Couples get their deal straight.
Marriage is different from living together. It's not necessarily better, but it's different. Both of you will have different expectations of a 'spouse' than of a 'partner' - often basing those expectations on what you saw of your parents' married life.
Successful couples talk deeply before the wedding about their expectations of each other, and if there's serious disagreement - for example he wants kids, she doesn't - they think seriously about whether to marry. After the wedding, successful couples also talk regularly to check their expectations of married life.
Successful Married Couples keep their individuality
However independent you were before, marriage has a habit of sucking you in to being a couple.
Particularly if the marriage involves children, your lives are increasingly tied up together day-to-day. The result is often feeling both dependent and depended on - as though you have someone constantly clinging to your ankles.
Successful Married Couples keep each other centre stage
It's tempting, once married, to forget the little courtesies. When you were going out - and still trying - you remembered the little things, such as serving each other first, and remembered the big things like respectfully listening to each other.
Successful Married Couples learn to resolve conflicts
American psychologist John Gottman did a 20-year study of married couples and concluded that the main element that separated success from failure was whether they could resolve conflicts or not.
The bottom line is that unless the two of you are clones or doormats, there'll be times when you disagree and times when these disagreements cause pain. Sure, you shouldn't put up with addiction, violence or abuse. But if your partner simply wants something different from you or does something differently from you, you must resolve that.
Successful Married Couples grow with each other
Lets be frank, the person you marry won't be the person you're still married to in ten years' time. You'll both change - particularly at crunch points in your lives such as starting a family, losing a parent or facing the empty nest.
Successful Married Couples keep working at it
The fact that you're married can make you rest on your laurels - as the years pass, you may feel that nothing can harm your bond.
But beware! Time and a false sense of security can erode even the strongest love. So successful couples take rain checks and keep having regular 'where are we at' conversations to make sure that they're both happy with the way things are going.
If one or both of you is discontented, then fix the problem. And don't fight shy of getting professional help. Successful couples don't wait until the divorce papers are signed before seeing a counsellor - they troubleshoot at the earliest possible moment.